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Safety Then and Now
by Lesli Musicar
How safe do you feel in the world?
How safe do you feel walking down the street? With friends? At home? Sometimes we think we feel safe when in fact, we don’t feel anything at all. This is because we are not fully present. For some, it can be simply a case of daydreaming, or being distracted by thoughts of what to cook for dinner. But for others, it can be more profound. It can mean having no awareness of one’s body whatsoever--in other words, feeling numb.
Now, there are those of us with a history of trauma who don't feel safe, and are painfully aware of it. We feel vulnerable and exposed when we're out in the world. Sometimes, we feel this way even in our own homes. Neither state--feeling nothing or feeling extreme vulnerability--is desirable. And it is not uncommon for many of us to bounce back and forth between the two. But they are merely flip sides of the same coin. Both stem from times in our lives when we felt profoundly unsafe.
Recent Trauma
A recent traumatic event can temporarily shatter our sense of safety. For instance, if we are mugged, have a serious accident, or sustain profound loss. In order to get over such traumas we have to go through a healing process. This involves telling our story, often many times over. We need to feel heard, believed, and understood. If you try to "let it go" before you are fully healed, there is a good chance the trauma will continue to haunt you. You may have trouble sleeping, feel depressed, or hyper vigilant. Don't expect to feel safe until the traumatic event is thoroughly processed.
But what if the trauma is resolved and you still feel
unsafe? It likely means the recent trauma
has triggered the memory of a much earlier one that was never
processed. If we are not aware that this is the case, our safety
may diminish even further. We may feel frightened, anxious, or confused.
We might even think we are going crazy. What is happening, though,
is the delayed effects of a traumatic injury that has never been
healed. And its hallmark symptom is a profound lack of safety.
Historic Trauma
Safety can be a foreign concept for those of us who grew up in a home where there was addiction, violence, chronic physical or mental illness, sexual assault, marital crisis, etc.
Sometimes it is hard to recall what it was like to be small and dependent. What we look back on today as adults, may seem far less significant than it was to us then.
Especially when we now have many resources that we lacked as kids.
As adults, we know that bad things can happen to good people, through no fault of their own. Young children have a more rudimentary perspective: bad things happen to you if
you're bad. So when bad things did happen, in spite of our best efforts to be good, our sense of safety in the world became tenuous. After all, if we cannot feel safe in our own
homes, where can we feel safe?
So, how did we cope with our lack of safety? Children have few options when it comes to protecting themselves. Mentally, they are too unsophisticated to dismiss
constant criticism. Physically, they are too small to fight adults or bigger kids. Children cannot shield themselves from violent scenes, especially those taking place in their
own homes. And they cannot escape sexual abuse, let alone make sense of it. Unlike adults, children rarely have the option to leave if their environment is harmful or
threatening. So, what recourse is left? A technique to prevent them from being fully present: it is called dissociation.
Dissociation
Dissociation is where the mind disconnects from the body in order to protect one’s fragile sensibilities. For children, it can be a life saving reflex. And over time it can
become automatic. But does it really keep us safe? For adults, dissociation is not a good strategy for safety. This is because it actually gets in the way of
us taking proper care of ourselves.
Our emotions, intuition, and physical sensations provide us with a huge source of vital information. For example, there are instinctualcues that prompt us to take action in times of real danger. There are sensations indicating bodily needs for warmth, rest, or nourishment. And there are emotional messages that we need to guide us through interpersonal relations. In order to receive this information, we must be present in our bodies. Otherwise, we are left more vulnerable to injury, illness, and emotional pain. So as adults, if we continue to use dissociation to feel safe, we will end up making ourselves less safe in the world.
Other Safety Strategies
But not everyone with unprocessed trauma dissociates. For many of us, it is not uncommon for dissociation to stop working once we leave childhood behind. We may have then turned to other ways of trying to make ourselves safe. Alcohol, drugs, food, sex, workaholism, gambling, compulsive shopping, high-risk behaviour, are just a few. Ironically, many of these end up creating even less safety in our lives through secondary effects. Nevertheless, we will continue to turn to just about anything to get away from that unbearable feeling of unsafety--including staying in bed with the covers pulled over our heads. So, what can we do to feel safe that is safe?
Finding Safety
If it is a recent trauma that we are dealing with, the best way to recover our sense of safety is to process the event to completion. This means allowing oneself to talk about it and feel about it and make sense of it with people who care for us. Sometimes, we need to seek out professional help. But once the processing is done, safety should return |
